A mass suicide and the devil

Yesterday I went to a wedding, a Catholic wedding, well it was Catholic Light. Anyway, I was sitting there listening to the priest begin to drone on about marriage and babies, when I started listening to his statements on their own and out of context. He said "Jesus loved us so much he gave the ultimate sacrifice and died on the cross for us and in marriage he is asking us to do the same" This of course translates in my mind to "this is not a wedding but a mass suicide, where's the kool-aid?" and I start to giggle. In an effort to stop myself I look over at some religious art, only to find a satin fabric "art" piece of the virgin and child covered in gold sparkley things. Which, of course, made me giggle more. So I tired to control myself and turned my attention back to the priest, who is now in the depths of babies, so deep in fact I started to think the bride was already with child. Later on in the ceremony the priest blessed the newly married bride and groom. To the bride: may God bless you and help you to be a good wife, a good mother and to keep a good home. To the groom: may God bless you and help you to be a good and faithful husband. What the fuck! She has to be a good mother, wife and keep a tidy house, while all he has to do is not screw around on her? Gotta love the Catholic church. The door I notice was left wide open for her to screw around on him.

The reception was at a lovely golf club in Milton. The best part was the photograph by the bathrooms: a picture of a teenage boy pointing to a sign that said "Welcome to Auchtermuchty" (Auch-ti-mock-tay). It is a tiny town in Scotland of about 700 people where the Proclaimers (the 500 miles guys) and my grandfather come from. It is tiny and it was cool to see the photograph. OK, it was way cooler when I was plastered! Which is where the devil comes in. I have phases to my drunkenness:1) quietly drinking 2) talkative 3)won't fucking shut up 4) dancing like a maniac 5) room spinning 6) 1 hour in bathroom puking on new sweater although, I swear it was only 20 mins. Unfortunately, stage 3 happened during dinner, so not a whole lot of food was eaten on my part. Don't worry calories lost in solid food were made up for in gin and beer. I did dance like a a maniac, a maniac on the run. All I can say today is "ow my head, at least I didn't get to stage 5, and alcohol is the devil!"

In conclusion, the priest said that couples "blossomed" after they were married. Why the hell do you need some piece of paper to blossom? The whole event reinforced my feeling that weddings are really a huge waste of money to make a spectacle of something incredibly private and personal, for a little piece of paper which tends to act more like a herbicide than a fertilizer. BLARGH!!!! But the party part was fun, dancing is fun and watching old people dance to Usher was very fun.